Bengal Latrine?

I’ve decided to stick with the one thing I’ve done consistenly well over the course of my life, which is being a smartass.  I’m therefore going to follow the same sarcastic news format with Painful Stripes that I’ve implemented with my Reds blog, Big Red Latrine. 

Mike Brown’s recent vindication of his “no” vote on the CBA will make a good story to twist around.  Or maybe the Bengals getting 4 compensatory picks.  Yep, I think I’ll start with one of these.  Maybe both.

Adios Ocho!

Disgruntled Bengal receiver, Carl Pickens … err … Chad Johnson apparently wants to play in Dallas.  Or New England.  Or Denver.  Anywhere actually … other than Cincinnati.

As Kirkendall said on CincyJungle, Chad Johnson gets “the leading nomination for distraction saturated wide receiver this off-season”. 

I say that Ocho Cinco not only gets the nomination, but the whole damn award. 

After seeing Terrell Owens, Randy Moss and Keyshawn Johnson nab the award in recent years, it’s great to see the award back where it rightfully belongs, on the banks of the Ohio river.

Don’t let the puetra hit you in the arse on the way out, Ocho!

One man’s trash is Mike Brown’s treasure

The good news is, the Bengals consummated their first bonafide good free-agent signing last night. 

 As Mark Curnette reported in his blog, the Indianpolis Colts did not match the Bengals offer on tight end Ben Utecht.

The bad news is, the signing of a backup tight end now qualifies as the best offseason move made by Cincinnati.  Perhaps, the best signing in years.

Although the Bengals have pretty much exhausted their free-agent money, Cincinnati fans waiting for more bonehead Bengal moves only have to wait a few weeks until the draft.

Bengals complete the tri-fecta

By letting their three most productive defensive players go in free agency, Cincinnati completed the tri-fecta of boneheaded offseason moves.

 Justin Smith, Landon Johnson and Madieu Williams are all excited to have found new homes … and fat contracts.

The Bengals, owners of the statistical worst defense over the past 3 years decided the recipe to improve its defense was to let its 3 most productive players go.

Following that strategy, the offense could get a boost by dumping Carson Palmer and TJ Houshmandzadeh, but, alas, they’re still under contract.

Oh well, there’s always next off-season. 

Ghost of Boobie Clark

Rumors have been swirling for years that the ghost of legendary Cincinnti Bengal running back, Boobie Clark, haunts Paul Brown Stadium. 

Attempting to get to the bottom of the story, a crew from the hit TV series “Ghost Hunters” came to PBS on November 25, 2007 for the Tennessee Titans game. 

During the 4th quarter, a photographer from “Ghost Hunters” was able to capture *THIS AMAZING PHOTOGRAPH*, providing definitive proof that “Boobie” is still alive and well in the hearts of Bengal fans.

Stacey And-screws

As Geoff Hobson reported on Bengals.com

Stacey Andrews signed his $7.5 million one-year contract tender as Cincinnati’s Franchise Player. This makes Stacey Andrews the highest paid backup in the history of the NFL.  In all of pro sports, actually.

Bengals owner and General Manager, Mike Brown, justified the Andrews signing by saying, “Our longheld policy of investing the bulk of our cap money into starters hasn’t won us a Super Bowl, so we’re adopting a different approach.  Starters will get paid the league minimum, while benchwarming backups will get 8-figure deals.”

Such a strategy may sound a little kooky on the surface, but it’s hard to argue with the man who is too intelligent to run his air conditioner when it’s 100 degrees out.